Is there such a thing as “the one?”

Most people love the idea that there is a person out there for them and one day they will just happen to cross paths and walk into the sunset together. It’s comforting to feel as if everything is planned out and we won’t accidentally miss our chance for happiness but how much of this is accurate? Of course, there’s no way to know for sure and depending on your religious or spiritual beliefs, your answer may look very different than someone else’s. I can, however, provide my insight which has been informed by both my personal and professional experiences.

The majority of the couples that end up in my office aren’t there because they ended up with the “wrong” person. These couples are just brave enough to seek help as usually a last-ditch effort to save their relationship. The couples that don’t make it often didn’t seek help early enough which resulted in too much harm done or it was too difficult to withstand the process of therapy. One of the well-known relationship therapist facts is that we tend to end up with people for a reason. Whether you believe that to be due to fate or our subconscious attempting to play out previous relationships to get some need met, I won’t judge. I always encourage people to explore how their current and past partners have fit into their life and what they take away from the relationship. We tend to have a spidey-sense that can sniff out people that fit our type (hence why you may always go for the bad girl or guy) and fulfill some challenge we need to conquer. You can, of course, attempt to dodge that person but you are likely to find them the next time.

Now let’s look at the positive qualities that could make up “the one.” From my personal experience, the one was a person I didn’t lose interest in (figure out what your “sign” is aka what’s different). This doesn’t mean my partner doesn’t annoy me often, we never fight, or he doesn’t have all the traits from the last paragraph because we have all those! But after we deal with all that, I still want to be with him and can see a future I want to live out. If you find a partner that hits every one of your triggers, the important part is that he/she/they are willing to work on their own stuff and the relationship. You don’t have to stay with someone that expects you to just deal with it. Relationships are hard work! In the end, find someone that you care about, who cares about you and is willing to do the work and you can have a fulfilling relationship that can turn into “the one.”

What are you looking for? 

– Are you looking for a serious relationship? If not, then it likely isn’t worth the extra effort for you and your partner. I know this seems obvious but there are a lot of people who enjoy being in a relationship but don’t want to do the work when the waters get choppy. It’s beneficial to recognize if you or your partner are one of these people because things are not likely to improve and you will both remain unhappy longer than needed.

Can you see yourself with this person? 

– This is an example of when you need to listen to your gut. If you don’t know how to do that, I usually suggest asking yourself the question you’d like to know the answer to and trusting the first answer that pops up in your head. This is also something you could seek individual therapy for to assist in getting back in touch with yourself. This is a practice we can do together in a safe, therapeutic setting where you can process without judgment.

(A word of caution, however, is that it is important to have some insight into your own relationship patterns when attempting to listen to your gut. If you tend to hold onto relationships longer than you feel you should or jump ship too quickly, these could be clues about your own attachment style (article to come!) that leads you to find particular types of relationships that are “familiar” to you.)

Does the relationship make your life better? 

– This is a tricky question because there are many ways to interpret it. Some couple therapists believe each person contributes fifty percent to the relationship and others believe you are always in control as you have the choice to choose how you respond to each situation and if you stay in the relationship. I fall somewhere in the middle. I believe that when working on the relationship, each person will benefit more from focusing on the parts he or she can control. If your partner attempts to start a fight, you don’t have to get sucked into that trap which ends in both of you feeling unhappy.

A positive example of this is reminding yourself of why you love this person and what keeps you in the relationship (we often forget this when we aren’t getting along). On the other side of the coin, I also believe that each person contributes something to things going well or falling apart. If you ask your partner to be faithful or not do something that hurts you and they do it anyway, yes you can leave the relationship but that doesn’t mean that person wasn’t a jerk and contributed to the relationship failing. The split is not 50/50 nor 100/0 and you deserve to be in a relationship that moves your individual health in the right direction.

The reminder here is to have compassion for yourself and this process. None of this is black and white. Relationships are complicated and take time to figure out. Have compassion for yourself during this process. As a couples therapist, I meet too many couples who seek therapy as a last resort. Unfortunately, many of the issues have been plaguing the relationship for years and one or both partners have lost much of the hope needed for therapy to save the relationship. I never push clients to stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy long term but I am a believer that most relationships can be salvaged when both partners are committed to change and be happy. Remember, whether your relationship works out or not, you still have the ability to move forward on a path of contentment and happiness for yourself.