Have you been feeling some weird stuff going on lately? I definitely have! I’ve never really identified as a spiritual or “woo” person but throughout my life, there have just been things that surpassed coincidence and just seemed like a pattern. I have come to refer to this as “universe sh*t” (also known as universe shifts).

What is this “universe sh*t?” Here are a few things either recently or in the past that have been trends: layoffs, deaths, car accidents, breakups, pregnancies, getting sick, people from your past reaching out, feeling like things just aren’t “clicking,” and disrupted routines. Many people say it’s mercury retrograde, full moons, the economy, and other influences as the cause but whatever it is, you notice and feel it.

Universe shifts are not always negative but we tend to notice events or trends that we perceive as negative more easily (Ito, Larsen, Smith, & Cacioppo, 1998). It’s the period of “can I just catch a break!?!” Understandably, these experiences ripple into all aspects of our life and things can compound to make everything even more stressful.

During these times, you may find yourself more stressed, irritable, or desperate. It can be difficult to prevent these stressors from spilling into your relationship, leading to distancing, being more critical and getting lax on important routines (ex: connection time or checking in). When people get stressed, I have found time and time again that some of their most valuable coping skills are the ones that get dropped. It may be helpful to remind yourself: it’s not the shift itself, but how we respond to it, that determines the health of the relationship.

Here are a few things to try for your relationship to thrive during chaos:

1. Anchor Together

To combat chaos, find ways to create stability. Have coffee together, check-in after work, cuddle before bed, watch your favorite show, start going on those walks again. Treat these moments as non-negotiables. This also applies to your personal habits – drink extra water, make sure to exercise, cuddle your pets. This is not the time to push them off because these small moments will be what helps you survive the chaos. It also has the added benefit of making us more appreciative of the small things.

2. Communicate What You Feel, Not Just What You Think

When one or both of you is already stressed and irritable, try to be extra mindful of your communication. When you see something isn’t done, try “hey babe, I’m feeling really overwhelmed, can you take care of the dishes please?” rather than “the dishes have been in the sink for three days, why haven’t you done them yet!?” And if you are the one falling behind on things and your partner points it out, acknowledge that it happened rather than getting defensive (ex: “you’re right, I’ve been so busy but I’ll get to it today” vs “can’t you see I’ve been busy, stop nagging!” One partner being vulnerable can change the direction of the interaction.

3. Remember the “We”

When everything feels like it’s going wrong, the last thing you want to feel is alone, especially with your favorite person. We’ve already discussed how stress can easily contribute to you turning on each other, but remembering you are a team and that you are both doing your best (benefit of the doubt) can help minimize damage. Don’t assign blame where there is none and let the universe drive a wedge in your relationship. Using “we” language has amazing effects on you individually and your relationship (Karan, Rosenthal & Robbins, 2018).

4. Slow Things Down, Stay Present

Take some time throughout your day to turn your attention inward and notice what’s happening. Is this really something I can control or is this the most ridiculous chain of events? Is it reasonable to keep up on all the chores when you’re grieving a loss or been doing overtime this week? Give yourself grace and move forward intentionally. Be weary of spiraling and chasing illusions (ex: if this was done, everything would be better). I attempt to notice when the universe shifts, and tell myself and my clients to lay low and buckle up because sh*t’s about to get real. I prepare to ride things out and not tempt fate, knowing the calm will eventually return.

The universe sucks sometimes…scratch that, A LOT of the time. And it’s ok to feel overwhelmed when it does. Don’t forget that you are a team and you can use your partner and others in your support system as a resource. Use some of these tools to prevent your relationship from being another casualty to universe sh*t and remember: perfection is not the goal, doing your best and repairing any damage that may happen is.

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References

Ito, T. A., Larsen, J. T., Smith, N. K., & Cacioppo, J. T. (1998). Negative information weighs more heavily on the brain: The negativity bias in evaluative categorizations. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75(4), 887–900. https://doi.org/10.7551/mitpress/3077.003.0041

Karan, A., Rosenthal, R., & Robbins, M. L. (2019). Meta-analytic evidence that we-talk predicts relationship and personal functioning in romantic couples. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(9), 2624–2651. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407518795336

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