Understanding Asexuality: Why It’s a Valid Identity, Not a Disorder

In my work as a sex therapist, one of the most common questions I hear from women exploring their sexual identity is: “Is something wrong with my libido?” This is absolutely a valid question, especially in a culture that often frames sexuality as essential to health, happiness, and personal liberation. They come in distressed, convinced something is broken inside them. They want to figure out how to want sex. How to feel “normal”. It’s often through our work together that we begin to explore another possibility: that maybe this is simply who they are, and that’s completely okay.

What Is Asexuality?

Asexuality is generally defined as experiencing little to no sexual attraction to any gender. It’s important to understand what this doesn’t mean: asexuality isn’t the same as celibacy (a choice not to have sex) or having no libido. Many asexual people still experience physical arousal or masturbate. The key difference is that they don’t feel sexually drawn to other people.

Asexuality exists on a broad spectrum, often called the “ace” spectrum, which includes:

• Demisexual: People who only experience sexual attraction after forming a deep emotional bond with someone.
• Gray-sexual: Those who experience sexual attraction rarely or only under specific circumstances—they exist in the gray area between asexual and sexual.
• Romantic vs. Aromantic: Many asexual people still experience strong romantic attraction (whether that’s biromantic, heteroromantic, homoromantic, etc.) and seek committed partnerships, while others identify as aromantic and don’t experience romantic attraction.

How Common Is Asexuality?

If this resonates with you, you’re part of a real and growing community. Research suggests that asexuality affects approximately 0.4% to 1.82% of the general population. Some studies show even higher numbers. For example, up to 3.3% of Finnish women report never experiencing sexual attraction.

These aren’t small numbers. Asexuality is a legitimate sexual orientation experienced by millions of people worldwide.

The Neurodivergent Connection

One of the most significant insights emerging from recent research is the connection between asexuality and neurodivergence. Studies show that asexuality and low sexual interest appear more frequently in autistic individuals compared to neurotypical populations. Research indicates that roughly 17% of asexual women meet the criteria for autism spectrum disorder, compared to about 14.7% in the general population.

There’s also notable overlap between autism, ADHD, and gender diversity, with neurodivergent traits appearing 2 to 6 times more commonly in gender-diverse individuals. This suggests that how our brains are wired can genuinely influence how we experience (or don’t experience) sexual attraction.

Identity vs. Disorder: Understanding the Difference

In my practice, I tend to move away from rigid diagnostic labels when exploring sexual identity. While it’s true that you get to decide what feels like a problem in your own life, the reality is that we don’t make those decisions in a vacuum. Societal expectations, cultural messaging, and relationship pressures can all create shame that makes it difficult to simply accept yourself, even when there’s nothing wrong with you to begin with.

This is why it’s worth understanding the distinction between asexuality and Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder (SIAD). The key difference comes down to distress.

People with SIAD feel personal distress about their lack of desire and want to change it. But asexual individuals often feel distress not because of who they are, but because of how the world responds to who they are. Feeling unseen in the media, misunderstood in relationships, or pressured to be someone they’re not. That’s a very different kind of pain, and it deserves a very different kind of support.

If you’re comfortable with your level of sexual attraction and don’t feel it’s a problem in your life, that’s an important signal. Your experience is valid.

The Power of Language and Community

You don’t need a label for your experience to be real or legitimate. But for many people, finding the right language can provide validation, clarity, and connection to the community. As asexual activist Yasmin Benoit points out, there’s no “asexual look”. Asexuality can look like anyone!

Whether your experience stems from biology, neurodivergence, or is simply a lifelong orientation you’ve always had, your identity is valid.

If you’re questioning your relationship with sexual attraction, remember this: your worth isn’t tied to your level of sexual desire. Understanding where you fall on the spectrum of sexuality can be the first step toward building a life that feels genuinely authentic to you.

You deserve support that honors your experience, whatever that looks like for you. Pillow Talk Therapy welcomes and affirms LGBTQIA+ clients. We understand that exploring your sexual identity is a deeply personal journey, and we’re here to provide a safe, judgment-free space where you can discover and embrace who you truly are, on your own terms.

Keywords: asexual, asexuality, asexual identity, sexuality, sexual identity, LGBTQIA, LGBTQ, LGBT, demisexual, libido, sexual attraction, aromantic, sex therapist, sex therapy, neurodivergent, affirming therapy, asexual community